It was pitch black outside. Moe had started screaming at midnight and had not stopped for two hours, unless she was nursing… on the right side… while I sat up. For some reason it was unacceptable for me to lie down and nurse. And half of me was becoming painfully […]

A Toddler’s Guide To 2AM

After miscarrying for the third time, I was terrified to try again. Pete was ready — but I didn’t know if I would ever be. Together we decided to try, to do our part to bring another life into the world but to expect nothing in return. Until we were […]

Deep Love. Painful Love. Endless Love.

Exactly two years ago I found out I was pregnant. I kept the positive pregnancy test in the bathroom cabinet and glanced at it multiple times a day, imagining what this new child would be like. I held Plum — who was 18 months at the time — and nursed […]

I Have Lost Half of My Children Before Birth

Mealtimes are very important to me. A couple times a day I sit with my kids to eat, and a few times a week we sit down to eat as a family. I love planning our meals, I love putting my creativity and time into cooking them, and I love sitting […]

There Are Monsters Growing At My Dinner Table

I am exhausted. I’m always exhausted. I don’t know if I really even sleep anymore. From the moment the first kid calls me in the morning to the moment the last kid stops calling for me at night, I’m working. And I get up a handful of times throughout the […]

Nursing While Pooping, or How My Kids Work Harder Than ...

A couple mornings a month, usually on Saturdays, I wake up feeling rotten inside. Sometimes I can’t stop crying or I am super irritated or I don’t want to get out of bed. My heart will feel dark and disturbed, my brain will feel chaotic and fuzzy, and my body […]

Letting My Junk Hang Out

Plum potty trained herself almost eighteen months ago. I remember the moment she decided she was ready. After dropping James off at school we were walking back to the car hand-in-hand. I asked, “Would you like to have a date with me today?” “Yep,” she replied. “Awesome! Where should we go?” I […]

May I Have Your Attention, Please?

For 23 years I have kept my legs covered. When I was in fifth grade I started getting dark purple and red spider vein clusters on my thighs, the backs of my calves, and the sides of my knees. Every year they got worse and worse. They have been a constant and […]

My Cellulite Is Awesome

Some days I wake up and wonder what the heck has gotten into my kids. Today there were tears, yelling, and slamming doors one minute — and then hugs, kisses, and complete compliance the next. It’s confusing. I can’t keep up. I ended up standing at the top of the […]

It’s Complete Chaos In There!

It’s the day before a new school year starts. James is unfocused and full of everything: energy, anxiety, questions, and creativity. I am trudging along, feeling like my feet are inches-deep in mud. Everything anyone does feels like fingernails on a chalkboard; I am highly irritated and I feel like organizing […]

Separate and Together